When Barbara* was growing up, her mom was a drug user and dealer. She gave Barbara Percocet when she had childhood ear infections. When Barbara was a young teen, she underwent two complex abdominal surgeries, and had substantial subsequent prescriptions for oxycontin. After that, if she said she had a headache, her mom would give her more. Barbara liked the way they made her feel.
About the time she should have graduated high school, she had two little boys. Their dad was “a good guy, but he was extremely jealous and suffered from mental illness. A domestic violence incident in which she was the aggressor led to an arrest, three days in jail, and a no contact order that meant she couldn’t go home. “I lost everything – my kids, my job, my car.”
For the next several years she was in an abusive relationship and was only able to see her boys on holidays. “I went to treatment four times, but I couldn’t finish it.”
During the next several years, she went to prison for assault, theft and drug possession. She participated in treatment in prison, and made a plan to go to treatment when she was released. But when she unexpectedly released early, her plan fell apart. The “friends” who picked her up got her high in the prison parking lot. Not long after, she became pregnant. When she delivered a baby, he was whisked away to foster care. So was a second baby.
With a strong nudge from court and the Parent Child Assistance Program (PCAP) at FESS, she enrolled in an inpatient recovery program call Harvest Home. “When I entered inpatient treatment, meeting my PCAP worker became one of the most meaningful parts of my recovery. She showed up for me every single week with kindness, consistency and a level of compassion that made me feel seen and valued at a time when I was still learning to believe in myself. This was my first time truly committing to changing my life and fighting to get my children back, and she stood beside me through it all – helping me enroll in college, choose my classes, and making sure my baby and I had what we needed. She continued to check in, provide essentials like diapers and food, help me pay my bills during difficult times – reminding me over and over that I was not alone. Because of her, and because of this program, I was able to keep moving forward when things felt overwhelming.”
Over two and half years, Barbara worked through an extensive list of requirements to earn custody of all four of her children. Now she is working and mothering full time. Just a few weeks ago, a Family Court judge dismissed her case and ended Child Protective Service supervision. When the judge’s gavel fell, everyone in the courtroom burst into applause and happy tears.
Barbara writes: “Motherhood, to me, is redemption, and being fully present in a way I didn’t always know how to be. I’m a mom of four boys – two little ones and two teenagers. I lost a lot of time with my older boys when they were little because of my addiction. That’s something I carry with me – it’s a kind of pain that doesn’t just disappear. But it also became the reason I fought so hard to change my life. Today, motherhood means showing up every single day in ways I couldn’t before. It means being present, being patient, and really seeing my kids. With my younger boys I get to experience moments I missed with the older two, and I don’ take a single one of those for granted. With my older boys, it’s about rebuilding trust, creating a safe space for them, and making sure they know they can talk to me about anything without fear of judgment. I probably say “yes” more than most moms, not because I don’t believe in boundaries but because I deeply value the time I have now. I know what it feels like to lose that time. I want my kids to know they’re loved no matter what. Motherhood isn’t about being perfect, it’s about growth, accountability and unconditional love. For me, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given, and also the responsibility I take most seriously.”
All those years when Barbara was stuck in addiction “I just wanted to go back to the life I had with my older boys, to those happy moments. I had always known the satisfaction of being a mom and loving and being with my kids every day. Now I think that people who never had that experience have it worse.”
Barbara and her mother are both clean and sober now, and they will be together this Mother’s Day. Barbara credits her success to the overwhelming desire to be a mom again – to have all her kids with her, and to mark the day with her own mom too. That is exactly what she plans to do this year on Mother’s Day.
*To protect her family’s privacy, her name has been changed.
